REALTORS!
Is that what you are? Oh, I understand some
may be from other related fields (you will
enjoy this as well), but most readers of
this rag are REALTORS. Give it a little
thought, you know me, I am Wally Raindrop.
Yea, the one who dampened the turn out at
your last open house, caused the trailings
on the wood floors and mud on the carpet you
had to clean up afterwards (you did clean it
up, didn't you?) Old man Hilton had to clean
some up last week and it wasn't even
raining. Made my day to see him on his knees
worshiping my power over the homes he
inspects.
Hilton, yea, I have known him for a long
time. I used to rain on his parade often.
Ever try to build a building in the rain? I
remember one building with great pleasure.
He was building a 90,000 square foot 30 foot
high warehouse and only had 90 days during
the coldest part of the winter to complete
the job. Before he met the schedule I cost
him a fortune. The job began by him stepping
in a sink hole up to his waste in his three
piece suit. Oh, what fun. His partner threatened
to leave him in the hole. I made his staff
work around the clock with me and my friends
Sally Sleet, Cynthia Snow, Fritz Freezing
and Harry Hailstone visiting often. We made
him remove around 4 feet of mud and put back
stone. You have never seen such a line of
big dump trucks coming from the rock quarry
in your life. We froze and burst the fire
protection water riser, man it looked like Niagara
Falls but frozen, it was beautiful. I can
still see him every afternoon about dusk
handing out one hundred dollar bills to the
nuts who had braved Fritz Freezing all day
long attempting to install the roof.
After it was all over and he met the
deadline, we didn't give up. Between all of
us, we caused the roof to leak, after placing
250 buckets, his people stopped counting.
The roof hadn't sealed properly because of
Fritz Freezing great work and the the crew
who had never installed this type roof
before. Ultimately, they had to remove and
replace the roof with the product (clean
beer cans ready for the Miller plant) stored
in the warehouse. As if that wasn't enough,
years later one of our little friends burned
that sucker to the ground. We just can't
stand for Hilton to win. Now we have a
problem, he has stopped building and we can't
molest him any more, or can we? Don't dare
breathe a word of this to him, he wouldn't be
happy, but we are taking over his little
newsletter. Aren't you excited? No more of
his boring crap, along with all of my little
friends we will make this a fun
happening.
So, what is it we are going to do? Well,
you will be surprised how much more we know
about houses than Hilton. Ever give any
thought to how long we have been around?
Hilton is a child compared to us. I still
remember when you dumb humans slept on the
ground until you became smart enough to
provide yourself with shelter. Ever since
you got brighter, me and all of my little
friends have been trying to get you wet
again. If you think Hilton and all of his
home inspector friends know about houses,
you ain't seen nothing yet. As we run
through your houses, we have accumulated a
lot of knowledge over the millenniums. We
have seen both the good, the bad and the evil,
and we lurk where you never look and wreak havoc
on your and your clients investment.
If there is one thing I have learned over
the years it is that man has not yet
determined you can construct perfect
shelter. Let's take a peak at how an average
proper home should react to my visit:
Now, as you know, I fall from the sky.
The first thing I encounter is the trees,
that is if I don't end up on a fast moving
jet to Vegas first. You do have trees higher
than your house, don't you? Well some people
are blessed and some are not, but they will
grow if I keep coming and some nut, like
Hilton in his former life, doesn't cut them
down. Ideally, if I land on a leaf and slid
off, I don't land on the home (we will talk
more about that at a later date). The
highest point of your home I land on is probably
the chimney cap, you do have one of those,
don't you? They are good for keeping me out
of the flue as well as those dastardly
little chimney Swifts. Oh, I am getting off
of the subject, Hilton's good at that as
well. Down the cap, over the crown, down the
side of the chimney across the counter and
step flashing down the roof, into the
valley, across the drip cap into the gutter,
through the downspout protector, down the
downspout, through the downspout piping or
splash block, across the yard and onto the
neighbors property where I can be a nuisance
to them and not bother your home. That is,
if the dog doesn't lick me up first, but
that trip is another story. Such is the
ideal encounter your home will have with my
visit. Fortunately for me, since I am taking
up authoring this little rag sheet, such is
not usually the case and I get to visit all
sorts of places in homes.
Sorry, I have taken up enough of your
precious time for today. This has been a
little introduction for where we are
heading, the good stuff is yet to come.
Don't miss it, you will be sorry. Click on
that e-mail link next time you get an e-mail
from the old man. I will be here with many
exciting adventures. When he pushes that send
button I will replace his garbage with my
little adventures. You just can't wait can
you?
